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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Process of Creating a Solo Show # 4

When my mom passed away I had a lot of time to reflect. Reminicing and seeking happy times to keep me strong, then remembering some not so happy times. It is during this period in which I was falling apart did I have to find myself again so by picking up the pieces of my emotional and physical make up did I pick up my journal and started writing. In one particular entry I asked myself the question, why is it I don't seem to date black men? I was trying to remember and then count how many black men I did date compared to how many white men I dated and I thought that was odd. I am a bi-racial woman and I love me some flavor, yet I stopped dating black men. Then I started becoming standoffish with black men. It was disturbing. I remember my body and mind was trying to work something out but for some reason I was paralized and what ever message was trying to express itself through me could not because of fear, anger, it was frozen inside. During a Kundalini yoga class with Gurmukh of Golden Bridge, she mentioned that we hold the past in our ass and if we can beat it out we would feel much better. A seed had been planted. It was within this area, my buttocks I held all that anger all the fear I had of black men and I wanted it out of me. Doing body work exercises and taking the time to really listen to my body I was finding the answers to my pain and in the midst of releasing I was given an opportunity to heal though I didn't know it at the time, I only knew afterwards. It was a simple conversation in a gym with a gorgeous black man did I rediscover who I was and gain some freedom from all the unnessecary pain. I got to see how I was projecting fear of black men but in reality I was just scared of myself, my own body as a woman and how powerful just being a woman really is. There were several entries in my journals, but I thought this one most interesting and transformative in rediscovering myself again, so I began writing and writing and when I got stuck, I asked for help.

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